Your Unlived Life

David Krueger MD

History is not merely what happened;
It is what happened in the context of what might have happened.
Hugh Trevor-Roper

At a recent retreat for executives and professionals transitioning from retirement into a next contribution or career, I asked them to write the first response that came to mind for a question.  The notion of immediately writing something prompts an emotional response, before being processed by the left, logical, reasoning brain.

I asked, “What is your unlived life?” 

Most of those accomplished people, paragons of success in the world’s eyes, were astonished to recognize an unlived aspect of their lives previously unacknowledged, or at most, only in their peripheral awareness.

These parallel lives include the conscious life that we live and the unlived life that we might yet have, or feel that we could or should have.  This unlived life may be an elegy of unrequited desires, unmet needs, or sacrificed goals.

Although perhaps unspoken, unlived aspects of life occupy a portion of our attention.  These fantasies and longings may be for the people, experiences, or things that are absent, what we feel we are missing out on, what we could or should be doing, but for some reason are not.

In the film, Sliding Doors, the protagonist boards a train, barely making it before the door closes.  But then an alternate story unfolds, in which she is one second late, the door closes, and she misses the train.  From that point on, parallel stories portray alternate realities for a lifetime. 

We may live somewhere between the life we have and the life we would or could have had.  Each of these constructed dual stories has its own dynamics and story arch.

The road not taken may hold the myth of our potential, the shadow inevitably bumping up against the recognition of what might have been.  We may regret and resent, grieve and let go, fantasize and remain hopeful, or plan and realize.

To give up what might have been is the most difficult thing to mourn, as we have to say goodbye to what never was, as well as the hope of getting what we wanted in the way that we wanted it.  This goodbye may be the shadow story with each step ahead in the present moment, along with the accompanying uncertainty and trepidation of being in new territory.  This journey occurs every moment when we engage in a new behavior, thought, and feeling.  It may be the final step into the present and involve significant work, yet lead to significant freedom.

Both our lived and our unlived lives make us who we are.

My newest book was just released: Hard Work Miracle PlayBook: 
The Mind, Brain, and Performance Neuroscience of Sustained Success
(Europe Books, 2026)       https://tinyurl.com/sbtvtabz